Gottman validating communication
Hand grenades are tough to come by these days but don't you worry — starting a conversation with blame and accusation will do almost as much damage.Gottman can predict with 96 percent accuracy how an interaction will go just by listening to the tone of the first three minutes.And you want to learn more about your own bids and what you can do to make sure others are getting the message about your needs. You know that when you're out of town and your partner texts, "How are things going? They need to hear, "I miss you." So start paying more attention. Build yourself a "bid roadmap" for each of the key people in your life: When you really get good at this it's like a superpower.
Turning toward leads to fewer conflicts, because the partners in a relationship are having the conversations they need to have — the conversations where they demonstrate their interest and concern for each other.And once this attack/defend pattern becomes ingrained in a relationship, it can start a downward spiral of interaction that eventually ends in the dissolution of that bond. But nobody is going to say, "I hereby formally reaffirm my desire to continue this friendship." Bids are subtle for a reason. We want to protect our feelings and our ego — but we all also require emotional validation. So bids are often deliberately vague with a healthy dose of plausible deniability.As the saying goes, "It's the little things." And it's how you respond to the little things. I know what some people are thinking: "Am I expected to be a mind reader?Another study, of 2,800 men and women over age 65, showed that those with more friends had a lower risk of health problems and recovered faster when they did develop them. What's the essential building block of a relationship? You might have a theory or two but I don't think we know what really keeps love, friendship, and family going. Gottman discovered the key element that makes relationships fly or die. At the Gottman Institute they bring couples in and watch them talk to one another. Maybe the important thing is how these people pay attention to each other, no matter what they're talking about or doing.In addition, a study of 10,000 seniors at Yale University showed that loners were twice as likely to die from all causes over a five-year period as those who enjoyed close friendships. It's something you can use to build stronger bonds with all the people you care about — and it's going to surprise you. Researchers study the content of the conversations and then track how the relationships fare over time. What proved to be critical was something Gottman calls "bids" — and how the other person responded to those bids. Those bids and how we respond to them are the cornerstone of relationships.
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There was nothing special at all about the content of their conversations. From But after many months of watching these tapes with my students, it dawned on me.